The
first component of healing from grief is coping and finding comfort
to survive the present: to find ways to keep on going, to get through
our loss with grace and with support, to find safe places and ways to
express our feelings, and to come to know that each feeling is
normal. I sometimes think of this as the emotional first aid period.
We need emotional first aid at the time of our loss as much as we'd
need physical first aid at the site of an accident. Here are some specific
actions we can take to help ourselves cope and find comfort:
1.
To find any sense of comfort at all, we need to acknowledge that
we are just as important as our beloved animals who have died or are
lost. We do not dishonor them, or their memory, by honoring and
taking care of ourselves. On the contrary, our animals would want
us to take care of ourselves. It is a myth that a prolonged state
of suffering and misery is a testament to our love for our animals.
A mature, enduring testament of love includes loving and caring for
ourselves as much as we do our animals.
2.
Take more time now to nurture yourself. Do things that you know
bring you a sense of serenity, peace or calm. Take quiet walks in nature,
spend reflective moments in prayer or meditation, soak in a bubble bath,
get a massage. Indulge yourself with healthy escapes that can bring
you pleasure and relief from the heavy emotions of grief. Go shopping,
watch good movies (better yet funny movies!), go out for a good meal,
read a good book, allow yourself time for your favorite hobbies. If
you need more time to be alone than is usual for you, that's OK, do
what you need to do. To support your full healing, consider seeking
the help of an energy healer,
such as a practitioner in therapeutic touch or Reiki, or a grief
counselor. You are recuperating, just as you would be if you
had had surgery. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to heal.
3.
Know all your feelings are normal. Grief often involves what
can seem like an avalanche of contradictory feelings. One minute we
could be feeling a yearning for our beloved animal so deeply we wonder
if we'll ever feel stable again. The next minute we might feel relief
from the anxiety, strain or ambiguity which may have been part of the
illness or death. Then we might feel guilty for feeling relief! Whatever
feelings we have at any time, in any order, and in any intensity, they
are normal. The important thing is to not judge ourselves for any thoughts
or feelings. But rather to find safe places to express them, such as
with supportive friends and family, with a counselor, in a support group,
in a journal, through listening to music, through drawing or other art
work, in meditation, prayer, or talking directly with the spirit of
our animal who has died or is lost. My
Personal Pet Remembrance Journal by Enid Traisman, MSW is
an excellent, comforting resource for expressing our feelings about
our loss. At the Legacies of Love
workshops offered by Teresa Wagner, participants make a "memorial
tribute box" with fabrics, paints, etc. to serve both as a physical
place to reverently store sacred items such as leashes, fur, collars
and pictures as well as to provide a creative process to express our
feelings of love and grief. At the Spiritual
Retreat for Animal Lovers offered by Teresa, participants make
a "storybook" to document the story of their sacred connection to animals.
We start with three ring binders, cover them with padding, animal and
other fabrics, and fill with photos, mementos and stories of the animals
in their lives. These examples remind us that expressing our feelings
does not always mean talking with other humans.
4.
Let your tears come. Let them flow. Let them cleanse you. Don't
stuff them inside, choking yourself. And don't apologize for crying.
Saying "I'm sorry" sends the message that we believe we have no
right to express ourselves, or that in the midst of our grief we're
also responsible for another's discomfort. We aren't. If someone else
feels uncomfortable when we cry, we don't need to apologize. It discounts
our right to feel and to mourn. Try saying "thank you for letting me
cry (or talk) with you." This confirms to us and the other person that
we have a right and a need to talk and sometimes cry. It also expresses
appreciation and reinforces their support. If we feel awkward crying
in front of someone, we might say something like "I feel funny crying
in front of you but I can't help it, I must cry."
5. You are not crazy if you feel the spirit of your animal
close to you, hear them speak to you, or see their image. These
experiences are normal and common, both among people who've lost their
animal loved ones and thoes who've lost their human loved ones. Some
call these experiences hallucinatory, or paranormal. Because this term
connotes "almost, but not quite normal" I prefer to use the terms metaphysical
or spiritual for these experiences. The dictionary defines para as "closely
resembling, or almost," and defines meta as "more comprehensive or transcending."
Feeling the energy or the spirit of our deceased loved ones is not an
almost normal experience, it's a normal experience, a comprehensive,
transcendent experience of the heart, not an aberration of the mind.
Love doesn't die, only matter dies, so of course we can still feel the
loving presence of our animals in various ways. Let it comfort and soothe
you.
6.
Know that a physical response to loss is to be expected ~ it is normal.
We may experience changes in appetite or weight, in sleep patterns,
or our sex drive. We may easily lose concentration, become fatigued,
develop headaches, degestive problems, heart palpitations or any number
of other physical symptoms. Know they are all normal and part of the
grief process. Though most symptoms will rebalance as our grief reconciliation
process continues, see your doctor if symptoms persist or are severe.
Meanwhile, take care of yourself with plenty of rest, moderate exercise,
and a nutritious diet. Your emotional heart is injured now, and taking
gentle care of your body increases your resiliency to this emotional
injury and helps accelerate healing.
7.
We can also increase our physical and emotional resiliency through
vitamins and other natural supplements. Stress depletes the body
of certain nutrients, so our body requires more than the usual amounts
when we're in distress. Talk to your health professional about foods
and supplements which may be appropriate for you.
Flower
essences, available in most health food stores, are very powerful
sources of comfort and healing when we grieve. A very well known essence,
Rescue Remedy, also available as Five Flower Formula from fesflowers.com , helps
us feel stabilized when emotionally traumatized or overwhelmed. It's
an excellent remedy to keep nearby in your pocket or purse during the
most intense time of your grieving. Taking a few drops at those moments
of panic, when we wonder how or if we will make it through, is very
soothing and calming. Other essences, Bleeding Heart and Borage,
are known to help ease the pain of brokenheartedness and anguish when
we have lost a loved one. Bleeding Heart helps us accept the
change in form of a relationship, to let go, and release our attachment
to the physical form of our animal loved one. It helps us accept that
they have died, while still fully feeling the spiritual connection of
love. Borage helps us overcome feelings of depression and heavy-heartedness
from the death or impending death of a loved one. Borage gives
us courage to face our grief, a sense of upliftment and bouyant hope
to help us not get stuck in the weight of depression.
I
don't believe that any substance, any spiritual belief system or the
most loving support in the world can take away the emotional
pain of grief when our animals die. Loss and its subsequent pain are
natural, inevitable experiences of life. Pain, however, does not
have to include the quality of suffering. Suffering isn't necessary.
Pain can be surrounded instead with the quality of quiet grace, allowing
us the energy to embrace the rich opportunities loss offers us to learn,
grow and transform. Flower essences help remove the element of suffering
surrounding our grief and invite in the quality of grace. Unlike
drugs, flower essences don't mask or suppress pain or other symptoms.
They gently yet powerfully help us heal our pain, inviting in the grace
and courage we need to do so.
8.
Music is a very powerful, and often overlooked source of support
easily available to almost everyone. Music has the power to stir our
souls, to release strong emotions held inside, to make us feel we're
not alone in our pain, to make us feel joy again. Music is a healer.
Some years ago, I had the good forture to hear Paul Horn perform at
the Basilica in Carmel, California. He told us an amazing story about
playing his music for a whale named Haida at an aquarium in Victoria,
British Columbia. Haida's mate had recently died, and Paul was asked
to come play for the whale to see if the music might help bring him
back from his deep grief. He was not eating, not swimming, not even
moving. The staff was very concerned. So Paul came and played his flute.
For two days he played and played, and felt great, great sadness for
the whales. But nothing happened. Haida did not respond in any way.
After the second day one of the workers approached Paul and said, "Excuse
me Mr. Horn. I don't want to offend. But I think you are feeling Haida's
grief so much that your music is mirroring his sadness. Perhaps you
might consider playing something more full of joy, full of hope." So
Paul did. Within thirty minutes of playing the different music Haida
began to stir. First he moved. Then looked straight at Paul. Then swam
a bit. Then accepted some fish. Soon he was swimming and jumping to
the music. He responded! Over and over he responded to the music. Haida,
touched by the music, had begun to live again.
We
need music too. At some moments we may need music to match our
mood. Haida, of course, had needed something to shift his mood. But
sometimes we need music that acknowledges how we feel. Music that helps
us cry. That helps us feel understood. Other times we may feel sick
of crying and want music to help us want to swim and jump, or dance
and go on. The world is full of magnificent and beautiful music, developed
by talented people who want us healed by their gifts. Maybe opera lifts
your soul, or jazz, or the rock and roll of Tina Turner or the ballads
of Barbra Streisand. I don't know the mystery of how music transforms
us, but I know it does. When I listen to the music composed by Roger Masson for the Legacies of Love audiobook, or the music of Richard
Shulman inspired by St. Francis and heard on our home page,
I feel calm, safe and carried to a place of peace and love. When I listen
to Celine Dion's angelic voice singing Because You Loved
Me, Fly, or My Heart Will Go On, I am so moved I feel transported to
a different place. I feel a surge of power moving through me, I often
cry deep bellowing tears, yet I feel at one with my loved ones who've
moved on. I feel absolutely trusting that they're OK, and I feel passionately
capable of healing and moving on.
What
music moves you? Identify and use the music that evokes and supports
the various energies you undoubtedly feel as you grieve. Music to support
you in being quiet and meditative. Music to help you just cope. Music
to help you forget. Music to help you get up and move your body. And
music to give you the strength to move on without your loved one here
with you on earth. Let music heal you.
9.
Humor. It's not sacreligious to smile or laugh in the midst of
grief! We know, in fact, that laughter accelerates the healing process.
Norman Cousins, author of Anatomy of an Illness and Head First: The Biology of Hope and the Healing Power of the Human Spirit,
healed himself from a life threatening illesss with the use of humor
and went on to help others do the same. Laughter and humor lighten our
heart and have the power to increase the functioning of our immune system
as well. Sometimes
it helps to intentionally pursue humor in books like these or in funny
movies. Sometimes humor comes naturally when least expected.
When my beloved
cat Katie died in 1995, I held a funeral at the time of her burial.
I am extremely fortunate to have had several dear friends with me,
including my dog "nephew" Dudley. The rituals that afternoon included
the singing of Amazing Grace by one of my friends, followed by my
reading a poem I had written to Katie. It was in the reading of
that poem that my damn burst. I cried and cried in anguish of losing
her to physical death. Just when I was barely catching my breath,
wondering if I could ever lift above the pain, little Dudley, who
had been quiet as an angel throughout the funeral, proceeded to
walk directly in the center of the flowers we had placed on Katie's
grave, looked right at us, lifted his leg and peed!
We laughed
and laughed and thanked him for reminding us that dark grief is
not all there is to living. He showed me that even I could laugh
on that day, at that moment. What a wise soul and thoughtful friend
he was to bring me the gift of humor!
10.
Seek comfort and meaning from your spiritual beliefs and practices.
Spiritual beliefs, however strong and meaningful, cannot prevent or
dissolve pain, but they can change the quality of it. Over the years
I have come to notice that when working with people who are grieving,
the ones who seem to suffer less are those with a strong belief in the
continuing life of their animal in spirit form. It is not that they
experience no pain, rather that their pain seems somehow softened and
tempered by the deep spiritual connection they continue to feel with
their animal loved one. If you have a deep faith meaningful to you,
turn to it and let it comfort you.
Sometimes,
loss often brings a crisis of faith. Things we easily believed
in before now may come into question. The death of someone dear to us
is often a catalyst to ask questions we perhaps never thought of before,
or are now thinking about with much more concern. Do animals have souls?
Do they go to heaven? Will we see each other again? Do they reincarnate?
And sometimes loss, especially a tragic one, brings anger. How can God
do this? How can a loving God allow an animal to suffer? Or, how can
my priest/rabbi/minister possibly tell me my animal has no soul, or
the soul is not equal to mine, or imply that my animal's death is not
as important as a human death? A crisis of faith, wondering what we
really believe, what is really true about death and life after death,
can add pressure and confusion to an already very overwhelming situation.
Yet it also brings a powerful opportunity for growth that can change
the rest of our lives.
St.
Francis is nestled amongst the catnip plant at a beloved cat's
grave, giving comfort to the person who believes St. Francis is
now watching over her animal loved one.
We
acquire our spiritual beliefs and values in two ways. As a child, we
inherit the religious and spiritual beliefs of our family and culture.
Sometimes we continue to hold these beliefs unconsciously, without question
for our entire lifetime. Other times, triggered by a crisis or through
intellectual curiosity, we may question the fit of our childhood beliefs
with who we are now, what we believe and value now. Mature value acquisition
involves conscious reexamination of what is truth for us, regardless
of other's opinions, and what behavior serves that truth. Our "mature
truth" may or may not include childhood inherited values. An important
adult right of passage is to choose our own truth and to find the courage
to live by it. In the end, we must clarify our own values, choose our
own beliefs, and make our own moral decisions. This is an important
life task and can be a daunting in the midst of painful grief. If you
are experiencing a "crisis of faith", try to surround yourself with
people and other resources that will support you in seeking your own
truth, and graciously deflect any admonitions from others about what
you should believe.
Take
time to be quiet with yourself. Reflect, meditate and pray on your personal
beliefs about death and life after death.
Take
comfort from the beliefs which SUPPORT you and bring you a sense of
meaning.
Be
willing to gently let go of any beliefs or traditions which don't work
for you now and be open to build or invite in beiefs which do.
Clarify
what the truth is for you at this time. Your grief cannot be healed
by a process you don't believe in. Allow no one (clergy, authors, therapists,
animal communicators, friends, family, etc.) to impose their beliefs
about death and grief onto you. Be open to others' ideas but follow
your own heart about what is right for you now.
11.
Animal Communication. Using the services of a professional animal
communicator to help us talk to our animals when they are dying
or after their death can be very comforting and can also help us make
informed decisions about critical issues.
When
an animal is gravely ill, many people find it very useful to discuss
the following kind of information with their animal with the help of
an animal communicator:
Asking if
there is anything else that might be done to make the animal more
comfortable.
Explaining
treatment options (i.e. surgeries, chemo, holistic approaches) and
asking for the animals' input, preferencess or choices.
Asking the
animals' preference about leaving their body on their own when the
time for death comes, or whether they would like or need help through
euthanasia.
Asking the
animal if they could give them a sign when they are ready or needing
to leave their body. This is an important question to ask when the
animal's physical condition is likely to create great pain or discomfort
near the end. When both the animals and humans involved have chosen
euthanasia, it can be extremely helpful for the humans to have this
information about the "right" time for the animal to minimize physical
or emotional pain.
When decisions
about life extending treatments or euthanasia are at hand, asking
the animals to explain from their perspective what is a good
"quality of life" for them. Animals are as different as humans
in their opinions and desires for certain quality of life issues.
Some animals don't want to live with any pain, while others are
tolerant of a great deal of pain. Some animals are comfortable with
living with greatly diminished physical capacities, while others
might rather leave their bodies when, for instance, they are no
longer able to walk. Talking with our animals about these critical
choices takes the guess work out of what they feel and want.
Asking animals
if they have any preference about what is done with their remains:
Burial
or cremation?
Placement
of burial or ashes
After
their animal's death, many people find it helpful to speak with them
about these issues:
What was it
like for you near the end? Were you comfortable? Were you aware
of all we were doing?
When you died,
did anyone meet you, help you, greet you. . . who was there? (Sometimes
people ask certain beings to meet their animal, such as a Saint
or animal or human loved one who has died, and take this opportunity
to find out if those beings were there).
Often people
take this opportunity to express any regrets or issues they feel
uncomfortable or guilty about.
Express their
deep love and gratitude for all that was shared
Whether the
animal is coming back (reincarnating), when, where, what species
and particular form, and how they will find and know each other
Many
people also take the opportunity to talk with surviving animals in
the family to ask them how they might best be comforted in their
grief, what they need or want. This is also a time people ask them if
they want another animal to join the family.
Anastasia,
when dying at the age of only four, told her person, "Mommy, I
want my ashes buried at the place you go to meditate under the
trees. When you come home from there I see the beautiful pictures
of it in your mind and I feel the peace you get from there. That's
where I want to be buried. Then whenever you come to meditate,
we'll visit."
So, Anastasia
was buried there, in a sacred forest near the sea in Carmel, California.
And when her person visits there, she feels the sweet, soft love
of Anastasia.
12.
The Healing Power of Ritual and Memorials. Rituals to mark the
death of an animal loved one help us honor the animal, honor the primary
grievers, and the honor the relationship itself between the animal and
all who loved him or her. Rituals can make the real love of the relationship
and the importance of the death and our grief more real and legitimate,
something most cultures don't do for us automatically when an animal
dies, as is done when a human dies. Rituals can be done alone, or as
a gathering with others who love the animal who has died. Rituals can
help us acknowledge the death, acknowledge the love exchanged, and can
help us let go and move on. Rituals give us a place to embrace our pain,
and to express it, sometimes in a safe circle of others who understand.
Rituals give us an opportunity to tell the story of the one we loved,
and the story of our life together. They can give us opportunity for
closure. Rituals can be done at the time of death, soon after, a long
time after the death, on anniversaries of the death, birth, or adoption,
or anytime we like.
Funerals,
memorial services and other rituals ~ possible elements:
Prayer
Meditation
Music
Flowers
Candles
Photographs,
portraits of the animal who has died
The ashes
of the animal who has died
Readings about
dying, death and life after death
Poetry
Symbols of
grievers' spiritual beliefs and practices
Sharing the
story of the animal's life
Sharing the
stories of mutual gifts and lessons experienced as a result of the
relationship ~ these are the legacies which transcend death
Special refreshments
Other humans!
(Be careful to invite only those people who truly understand and
will honor the love between you and your animal. This is not a day
when you should have to "tone down", rationalize or minimize the
depth of your love for your animal.)
Animals! (You
may want to consider the typical behavior of the animals who might
be there and whether they may be likely to disrupt or disturb any
of the more quiet moments of your service.)
Other
examples of ritual activities and memorials:
Planting
flowers, trees or entire gardens
This is
Misty, beloved cat of Judy, who graced the Earth from 1982-1999.
The memory garden and sign were created in her honor by her
devoted mother. Watch for updated photos of the garden as it
grows!
Placing
grave markers at the site of the burial, in your garden, or any
meaningful spot
Placing
garden statuary representing your animal or spiritual belief at
the burial site, your garden or other meaningful spot
Posting
a memorial tribute on the internet
Having
a beautiful portrait made and framed of the animal
Scattering
the animal's ashes in a special, sacred spot
Creating
a special photo album or story book of the animal's life
Making
a donation to your local animal shelter or rescue group. Perhaps
the most meaningful way to honor our companion animal is to pass
on our love to help a homeless animal in their honor.
The
form and the timing of a ritual or memorial for our animal loved ones
doesn't matter. What matters is that it be meaningful, that activities
or elements involved are aligned with the beliefs of the primary griever
or grievers (the people and animals who most loved and or lived with
the animal), not what someone else thinks is appropriate. The purpose
of the ritual is to honor the animal who has died, to honor the primary
grievers, and to honor their relationship. Ritual ceremonies provide
a place for us to give testimony to the sacred love shared between our
animals and us.
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1.
To find any sense of comfort at all, we need to acknowledge that
we are just as important as our beloved animals who have died or are
lost. We do not dishonor them, or their memory, by honoring and
taking care of ourselves. On the contrary, our animals would want
us to take care of ourselves. It is a myth that a prolonged state
of suffering and misery is a testament to our love for our animals.
A mature, enduring testament of love includes loving and caring for
ourselves as much as we do our animals.
